Conversation 113
Thank you for answering the questions.
20:53
Name (or nickname)
T.
Are you seeking contact for yourself, someone else, or both?
Myself
What is your age?
14
Gender
Male
Are you receiving treatment from someone for mental health issues?
No
Now follow a few statements where you can fill in 1 through 10. 1 = not applicable at all 10 = applicable at all
I have the tendency to kill myself
4
I have the will to live
6
21:21
Hi, I am Louisa from 113 Suicide Prevention. I will ask you a few short questions and see if I can find a colleague who can talk to you. Would you like to briefly tell me why you contacted us? 21:22
Hi, I reached out because I’ve suddenly been having dark thoughts often, and I wonder what’s causing that and why it keeps coming back. I’ve never been like this and I don’t want to be.
21:23
Thoughts of death are coming up more and more often for you and you’re really scared by them.
21:24
Yes exactly, I really don’t know.
I was raised properly, never been like this.
21:25
It affects you tremendously. Before we talk about that further, I would like to ask you a few questions about your safety at the moment. Is it okay if we do that right now?
21:25
Yes, that’s fine.
21:26
Are you injured, or have you taken anything that could be dangerous, such as alcohol, drugs, or medication?
21:26
No, fortunately not. I can see what I’m doing and what the dangers are. 21:26
Clear. Do you have something in your sight with the intention of harming yourself?
21:28
Well, I did threaten to kill myself painlessly, but I actually don’t want to because I know I’m only 14 and I still want to think about my future.
As I said, I don’t know why I’m acting this way.
21:29
You want to have thought this big choice through carefully.
Where are you at the moment?
21:30
At home, on my laptop..
21:30
Okay, thanks for answering the questions. I’m going to connect you with a colleague now to talk further. I wish you strength and a pleasant conversation.
21:31
Have a nice evening. Thank you.
21:32
Hi T, this is Pol speaking. I’m just reading back the chat above, just a moment.
21:32
Okay.
21:32
I read that you often have dark thoughts, but you yourself don’t really know where this comes from. That must be very confusing for you.
21:34
Yes, it certainly is.
21:34
Would you like to share a bit more about what is going on, which makes it feel so hopeless?
21:35
I have to type a lot, so I don’t know how long this will take.
21:36
Thanks for letting me know! If you are typing a long message, you can press enter every now and then. Then I can start reading.
21:37
I was at a skatepark once, and there was a boy sitting all alone. I sat down next to him and said, “I’m T, what’s your name?” I was 6 or something at the time, so I don’t quite remember. His name was B. I went to talk to him about how he was doing and why he was so down. After about 2 weeks, my neighbor boy from across the street, Q, came over. He was alone and always teased me. I said, “What are you doing here?” Q said, “I want to join in too.” I said that you teased me often and didn’t like it very much. B. said that didn’t matter and he was allowed to join in. Because of my autism, I couldn’t switch gears properly yet, and I walked away.
21:40
I came back after about 6 weeks and said, “Hey guys! How are you- You don’t belong with us anymore.” I said, “Huh? B. Q, and a few others laughed at me.” And I was really shocked by it and ran away.
21:41
Even though it isn’t a severe trauma, it hits me harder because of my autism.
I didn’t want to go outside for 6 months. It was better inside. On my iPad.
I learned to use Roblox and watched YouTube very often. 21:42
After sitting inside for 6 months, I felt like: I’m going outside, because I think it’s fun for a change. I hadn’t even left my street for a second when he came over.
B. tried to find me and tease me.
21:43
He wanted to hit me. I asked, why are you like this? I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know any martial arts. B. said that’s nice for you. I punched him in the pants. And he cried; I said sorry. Why are you like this? You don’t understand, said B. You will never understand.
21:45
A month later, I was walking in the woods with a girl named M. After a short distance, she heard something and walked away. I said Hey Wait! and I saw them approaching. 6 young people, including B. and Q. They came running after me until I reached my house. I knocked on my parents’ door. 21:46
Then Q.’s mother comes outside and says, “What’s wrong with that moron again??” (me) I said immediately: “The only moron walking and standing here is you and Q. Do you realize what you’re doing?” I was sent inside.
21:47
A few minutes later, my father came and said that I had to go to my neighbor across the street. Aunt Wil, that’s what I called her. And there I could always share my thoughts.
Okay, I understand this is going off-topic, but it means a lot to me. And this has to do with the trauma.
I hope I get to finish my story; I’m almost done.
21:49
Yes, of course, go ahead and finish it!
21:49
Aunt Wil was a kind of second grandma. She was incredibly sweet and always gave me chocolate with cola. We couldn’t always handle the fizz together, so I was allowed to put one scoop of sugar in the cup to make the fizz go away. I was always safe and happy with her. It went on like that for a few years. Until my real grandma could no longer live on her own. We converted the living room into a bedroom and TV room in one. We could live in it together nicely.
21:52
And when it was finally time to move, I went to visit him one last time. The boy who had hurt me, the boy who abuses my friends, he took everything away from me. I saw him. Alone again, he said nothing. I said, It’s okay as long as you make the right choices. You don’t have to be like that!
When we left, things have gone well from 2021 until now, but something is bothering me.
21:54
Why am I like this right now?
21:55
Thank you for sharing your story, T.
I read so far that those incidents and the bullying by that boy have had a huge impact on you. This would be painful for anyone, but because of that autism, it hit you even harder. The fact that this went on for years is what made it such a traumatic experience.
21:55
Exactly. I get angry more often and have already been given a medication by Parlan called Aripripazole. This helps reduce the triggers.
21:56
So all of this also makes it feel so hopeless sometimes that death seems like the only way out.
21:57
Well, fortunately not the medication, but the situation that happened in the past, yes.
21:58
I ended up at the Spinaker and was very happy with the class there; I am now in the 3rd (if I start explaining how I went from an intake class to the 3rd, it will take until tomorrow) and there are guys in there who make me think, gosh, why are you ruining your future? Vaping, weed, and even driving under 18. This is not how it used to be in primary school.
This is hell. And if I can’t even handle this, how much more can I handle in real life?
22:00
Brave of you to take the step now to discuss this! What were you actually hoping for in this conversation?
22:01
I… I don’t know. Sorry for going off-topic, but it’s just that I’m unstable. I could go to the children’s helpline, but they never answer (in my opinion). I want to get better.
22:02
I already have a support worker, but I barely dare to talk about it.
22:03
It’s good that you’re taking the step to seek help then, because you also want to get better so badly. So you do have a support worker; what does she help you with? 22:04
We always play games and talk about my home situation, because I can get angry at home sometimes too, since I take everything that happens at school to heart; I take it out on my parents, who do everything for me. That is what I mainly talk about with her. She works for the municipality.
22:06
How is it for you to talk to her about that?
22:07
Yes, I have never talked about it, and that is because (as I said) I have never been like that. It is strange to suddenly go from talking about fun things to this.
22:08
That must be a big step. Yet you are trying to take it. After all, you have been talking to me about this for a while now. How do you feel about talking about this so far? 22:10
Yes, I like it, but I ask myself why I came here instead of talking to her about it (whom I already know). It is nice, mind you, but I think it is just harder to talk to the people closest to me.
22:11
It could be that it is more nerve-wracking in real life. Because you don’t see or know me either. At the same time, you are also looking for that help, and the people around you can probably offer this to you better than I can. How would you feel about thinking together about how you could share this with your parents or counselor?
22:13
Yes, I do want to, but I find it difficult.
I don’t know how they will react.
22:14
Who would be easiest for you to talk to about this?
22:15
I can’t choose. it already makes me sad that it has to be this way now, I don’t know
22:16
What makes you sad about that?
22:17
I don’t know
22:18
I often hear from people here that it is nerve-wracking to share those suicidal thoughts with those around them. So it is not strange at all that you find this nerve-wracking. I think it is already very brave of you to take this step to talk to me about this. Sometimes that can already be a small step towards sharing with those around you, because you have already put it into words.
What do you think?
22:19
Well, I think it’s fine
22:20
Sharing about that has at least worked for now. Is there anything else you would have liked to get out of this conversation for now? If you would prefer to talk to someone again at another time about how to share it, that is of course always possible.
22:22
I think that is enough for now. Thank you, and I wish you a pleasant evening. If possible, could you put my name in the system? My name is Thijs. Thank you for now.
22:23
We don’t have a system here. Because of what our conversations are about, every conversation is anonymous and stands on its own, so I can’t note you down anywhere.
But otherwise, you’re welcome! And I would also like to wish you a quiet evening for now. Bye Thijs!
22:24
Bye Pol.
22:24