Good progress on the win/victory/success thing.

Currently on forgiveness and letting go of difficult situations, or rather the negative emotions connected to them.

In the past I’ve been unable to properly forgive, because I felt like I had to justify what someone had done in order to forgive them or let it go.

And some things just aren’t right to justify.

 

But with this success thing I’ve learned to lean on God and accept sitting with uncertainty and not having to perfectly label things to have peace.

 

So with forgiveness, so far at least, I’ve settled on saying that it’s okay that it happened.

What was done was not okay, but it’s now in the past and there’s nothing that can be done about it.

Because it felt like I had to decide whether I would go back and change it if I could.

 

The wording is still a work in progress.

But the idea is that it’s okay now, that we don’t have to hold on to a situation that we can’t do anything to change.

Ultimately because even when we let it go, the memory remains.

But without hate or anger, we can see it more clearly.

And we can learn all the lessons sitting in that situation even clearer than we would have with all those emotions in the way.

 

But I also decided on a policy:

Never justify something that was wrong.

 

I always felt like I needed to find a way to do that in the past.

Took the idea from Jesus saying “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.”

 

But then I learned that too often in this world, at least on many levels, these People who do wrong know exactly what they’re doing.

 

But it stung of injustice in the past for me to try and justify some of the wrong things in my life and in this world.

So I kept a basket of things I was incapable of forgiving, things I would save for a time when I was capable.

 

And I feel like that time is now, God Willing.

It’s still taking some convincing for certain things.

Really bad or personal things.

 

But they seem to be shifting.

 

The thing driving most of this, apart from God, is this mental image I have.

Where it felt like I used to be like a plane aiming it’s nose at the ground, looking for the best place and way to crash.

 

But now I remind myself to “look up” and aim the plane up and aim it forward instead.

It’s a much lighter way of living, more positive and makes it easier to see solutions as well as function daily.

 

So overall I’m just reminding myself as lightly as I can when I find myself looking at failure too much.

Because I’m pretty sure it takes like 21 days to form a habit.

So I want to gently form the habit.

And when that’s been more stably built, then I can build more onto it.

 

I’ve already started adding little things though.

Like I always used to “rest” in sadness or a feeling of hopelessness.

It just feels like lying on the floor, there’s nowhere else to fall and it feels comfortable.

 

Or when things get overwhelming I get angry and start blaming God.

 

So I’ve been praying for a new way to rest, gently reminding myself “eyes up” and trying to find a way to rest.

As well as praying for a new way to respond to being overwhelmed other than living in victim mode and blaming God, while trying to remind myself eyes up, which is harder in this one, but mostly focusing on fair and honest talk rather than blame games.

 

Like “I don’t think I’ll be capable of feeling like you love me till you fully set me free.”

 

Rather than “‘You can’t call yourself my savior until you actually set me free.”

 

So, little steps, building habits.

 

But also another good thing I’ve discovered is that it’s a lot easier to be brave when my eyes are up.

I always thought that if I stayed marinated in pain and fear, that I’d be more fearless from having to face it all the time.

 

But I guess I didn’t know about the importance of rest and the space to think and see more clearly your situation.

 

Because now I have three main things that help me feel like I have less reason to be afraid:

 

1 God. If God has got the situation in his hands, then why am I afraid?

He wants me to succeed in my life.

 

2 Seeing things more clearly helps me see things and go “Oh, actually that outcome isn’t so bad. Or I think I can handle it. And/or the chances are pretty low. So I’m not going to focus on it.”

 

3 Feeling better and clearer makes me feel like I have more available resources.

When I was always thinking through pain and failure, I was always in pain feeling like a failure.

So when I saw a speedbump, I’d think “I don’t think I can add that set of bruises on top of these injuries I’ve already got 😰”

But now they don’t look so bad, because I don’t feel like I’m as perpetually injured anymore.

Especially since I’ve started letting lots of those old pains go.

 

But yeah when I otherwise would have been afraid and stuck in negative thinking, I can now look at it and go “No thanks, I’ll focus on the potential success, be prepare to handle those risks and then deal with it if it shows up. So I’ll keep my eyes up and keep thanking God for the success.”

 

It feels great, not gonna lie haha.

But I have to keep reminding myself that it’s still early and to go easy.

Or rather, I guess God does most of that reminding.

 

Like I’ve been choosing not to hold onto sadness or fear when it comes up.

And in a lot of situations that works.

Because the emotion comes and goes.

I’m just so used to holding it, sitting with it then waiting for it to pass.

But I always try to make sure I’m not pushing anything down either, just choosing not to be dragged down by something.

 

But then I reached a point with a difficult thing where I kept doing that, but then eventually I felt like someone just opened tye floodgates to my emotions and I just started bawling out of nowhere.

 

So I guess I’m just trying to find the balance between allowing pain to be felt, seen and expressed.

And not letting it pull me around and control the way I live, think, feel and see.

 

But yeah overall good stuff.

Quiet little steps add up and I’m quietly, and sometimes not so quietly, happy with the way it’s going.

 

I mean it’s only been like 23 years of this sh 😂😂🫠

 

Anyway yeah, just wanted to tell that to someone.

 

If you do read this, got a question.

Mostly for the fun of it, I’ll figure it out eventually.

 

But up until now I’ve measured my life against the painful and heavy things I’ve lived through.

But that meant that I lived always looking through the lense of those painful moments.

 

What do you think a good new way of viewing my life and it’s worth now?